I feel like I’ve lost the essence of who I am.
Friday night I met a gorgeous, funny and exuberant lady. Her energy was contagious. She reminded of my pre-endo me.
I don’t know if it’s the pain or the medications (probably both) but I feel like I’m not the Alex I used to be.
I used to run around the school grounds in order to accomplish my weekly tasks – I was a member of many, many groups. I used to be a social butterfly. I used to love going out. I used to love trying new things. I used to love theme parks and walking and meeting new people. I juggled multiple jobs whilst studying full time.
Now, I sit in a chair and hope someone will come and talk to me. I feel like I’ve got nothing exciting to talk about – I usually end up bring the mood down. The thought of walking around a theme park makes my uterus cringe. I desire to go new places and try new things, but the energy it takes makes it almost not worth it. I have left my job and about to study part time.
I don’t laugh as much. My “jokes” don’t make people laugh any more, but make them seriously worried about my mental health, “is she serious?” Well, at least my dark humour is funny to me, right?
I have so many dreams that are left untouched and as I get older and as each treatment fails, they become further out of sight. When I try new things, I am now more likely to fail than succeed.
This seems depressive – but I feel like a different person now and I actually miss the old Alex and I’m sure those who know and love me do too.